‘Attraction is slippery’: bisexual author bares all in memoir about open marriage

“Attraction is a strange and slippery thing,” the bisexual author of Me, You, Them, has told PinkNews.

Written under the pseudonym Evie Sage, the book – subtitled a memoir of modern love – was published last week, and explores the writer’s open marriage and willingness to trust her desire – offering a gripping read along the way.

Evie, who identifies as bisexual, says: “I’m very much attracted to the person rather than what bits they have. I know there’s a terminology for that but I try to avoid defining things too specifically. I just try to be in the moment with the person I’m with.”

Throughout the book’s intimate portrait, Evie reflects on a sort of shame she felt while embracing her desires. “The closest I can come to defining it is a dark feeling that arises when you don’t feel worthy of something, or feel deep embarrassment,” she says.

“I felt fearful in my own body after trying for a baby but I’m not sure I’d call that shame. Then there’s the feeling of fear when you’re out of your comfort zone, which feels a lot like shame but is something completely different and can be transformative.”

‘My desires aren’t pinned on gender or sex at all’

She remains unsure as to whether she has overcome that shame yet, or whether what she describes is even shame at all.

“I still feel those things in new situations or when I’m overwhelmed. Although I’m more empowered now, I wouldn’t say I’ve overcome negative feelings. I think I just understand them better, and know how to handle them, which involves lots of patience and curiosity.

“I’d always wondered if I liked women and was afraid that if I found out I did, it might mean opening a new door to being with women and closing a door to being with men. What I actually found was that I like both and that my desires aren’t pinned on gender or sex at all. This was my revelation as it opened up a whole new world of opportunity.”

Offering advice to others exploring their sexuality, she goes on: “Trust yourself and take the leap. Try new things sexually and be kind to yourself along the way. It’s OK not to like things, just as it’s OK to like them. For me, it’s more about discovery than a yes or a no.”

Evie believes that speaking openly about being non-monogamous is important in challenging “more conventional people,” although she recognises that not everyone will “understand what we do”.

‘Sometimes I feel jealous’

That fluid approach has worked for her and her husband. In fact, she says, it has strengthened their original connection “because we always prioritise each other.”

She goes on to admit: “We’ve had some mind-blowing encounters with others but we always want to come home to each other. Our life together is deeper than a transitory bond with someone else.

“Sometimes I feel jealous if bonds are tipping over into something more than sex but that’s a natural reaction and one we talk through. If either of us feels uncomfortable, we always put each other first and communicate clearly with the other party too. It’s not just our feelings that are involved.”

Evie also reflects on a negative experience described in the memoir, when a man didn’t wear a condom. “That was a bad one and did make me momentarily question what we were doing.” But it was “genuinely the only one that wasn’t positive,” and “taught me a lot about clear communication and setting boundaries, so I don’t regret it happening”.

‘You might be surprised by the results of living more honestly’

She has not yet told her father about her private life “I decided it wasn’t worth risking our amazing relationship,” she explains. And she writes under a pen name to keep her sexual life from him, and because of the business she and her husband run.

Being able to publish the book “taught me that writing is part of who I am and how I process the world,” she adds.

And for anyone craving more fluidity in life, Evie advises: “Be honest with your partner and with yourself. Ask what’s the best that can happen, rather than assuming the worst. You might be surprised by the results of living more honestly. I have been.” 

Me, You, Them is available now.

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