Could you be hetero-monogamous? This is what it means
If you are in a committed relationship with someone of a different gender but still have sex and/or romantic connections with someone of the same gender then you might be hetero-monogamous. But what does this term exactly mean? We’ve broken it down for you.
The term has been used by Nova Hawthorne, who wrote about her experiences for Metro and The Mirror, to describe her relationship with her partner of several years, James.
The couple are exclusively monogamous with each other but Nova, who is bisexual, still goes on dates and sleeps with other women, but not men. James however, who is heterosexual, does not date anyone besides Nova.
“While the technical definition of hetero-monogamy is a man and woman in an exclusive relationship, the way I’m using it is slightly different,” Nova explained.
“Essentially, a couple agrees to be monogamous with each other when it comes to people of their partner’s gender, but they remain open to sexual relationships with the other genders if one or both partners are bisexual or queer.
“I am only in a relationship with one person – a man – but I am allowed to sleep with women. James is straight and exclusively with me. I, on the other hand, am bisexual, and so can still date and occasionally sleep with women.”
She went on to summarise the arrangement as a way of “honouring my sexuality without feeling like I have to suppress a part of myself”.
Nova said she has previously been in completely monogamous relationships with both men and women but in those relationships felt her continued attraction to other people created an “inner conflict”.
In this way, a hetero-monogamous relationship is not about “looking for loopholes” but creating a relationship which fulfils both people equally.
Nova and James’ relationship falls under the broad umbrella that makes up polyamory or ethical non-monogamy (ENM), which is loosely defined as the practice of being romantically involved with multiple, consenting partners.
Polyamory is not the same thing as polygamy – a practice where one person, typically a man, has multiple spouses often without consent. It is illegal in many countries, including the UK, the US and Canada.
Despite research finding that people in non-monogamous relationships are ‘just as happy’ as monogamous ones, poly people continued to face stigma.
Early on in their relationship, Nova admits she was nervous to talk to James about the door being open on their relationship, unsure how he would react.
But James was accepting of her needs and she described what she felt as “a huge relief”. Since those early days they have found a dynamic that works for them.
Communication is key and whilst Nova states there are no “set rules or boundaries” when she is dating women, she still lets James know what is happening.
“It’s a balance of respect and trust, and it hasn’t caused any issues between us. In fact, I think it’s brought us closer because we’ve built our relationship on mutual understanding.”
