‘Eins, Zwei, Drei’: This brain-frying synthwave banger could finally end the UK’s Eurovision drought
Look Mum No Computer has given us the most and least British Eurovision song in years. (BBC)
Well, even if Look Mum No Computer’s “Eins, Zwei, Drei” ends up with nil points, the UK Eurovision entrant can at least say he made music history: there is surely no other song in existence that rhymes “cut the mustard” with “roly-poly with custard”.
Such is the bizarre bombast of this year’s UK Eurovision song. Look Mum No Computer, born Sam Battle, has been selected by the BBC this year in an attempt to finally lean into the song contest’s history of platforming the mesmerisingly whacky. Our act might not be a milkmaid churning butter on stage à la Poland’s 2014 act Donatan and Cleo, nor wearing a yellow dog mask as per Norway’s Subwoolfer in 2022. But, given Look Mum No Computer is best known for making an organ out of Furbies, we’ll surely be up there on the ‘WTF?’ scale this year.
Promisingly, he has an industrial strength mind-bender of a song to match his on stage antics. In “Eins, Zwei, Drei”, brain-frying synths flash over a rumbling electronic baseline. A haunted choir welcomes in the chant-along chorus; an emergency response alarm sounds over the middle 8. The final 30 seconds explode and fizz like an expensive New Year’s Eve fireworks display. There’s, inexplicably, flourishes of Talking Heads, Sex Pistols, Madness and British synthwave band Gunship. Essentially, it’s a three-minute acid trip set to the lyric: “I need something salty… with a slice of pepperoni!”
“Eins, Zwei, Drei” is simultaneously the most and least British song the UK has put forward for Eurovision in years. There’s traces of British ‘70s punk and ‘80s synth-pop, and British noughties indie lives on in Battle’s sprechgesang delivery. The music video features a full English breakfast getting smushed with a jam roly-poly, and the dipping of a digestive biscuit into a mug of baked beans. Yet it’s the first song in UK Eurovision history to not be sung entirely in English (the title is, of course, German for “one, two, three”). It’s also essentially about escaping the monotony of the UK nine-to-five in favour of a European holiday. Sweet, sweet irony.
The UK has tried everything in recent years to appeal to Europe’s expansive musical palate and, bar 2022’s “Space Man” by Sam Ryder, we’ve consistently failed, trailing behind the trends. Sending last year’s country-pop girlband Remember Monday last year, the year after country-pop seemed to infect Europe’s music charts, left us with nil public points. Sending bona fide pop star Olly Alexander, the year after Sweden sent their bona fide pop star Loreen, again left us with nothing.
This year, I reckon we could, just maybe, buck the trend. Sure, the BBC has evidently – finally! – clocked on to the appeal of nonsensical, brainwashing bangers in the vein of Käärijä’s “Cha Cha Cha” and Joost Klein’s “Europapa”. Yes, there’s a risk that the UK is going to seem like a colleague running into the office to tell everyone how amazing the Celebrity Traitors is, five months after everyone else moved on. Every other country in Europe seemed to learn the appeal of a song like “Eins, Zwei, Drei” at the turn of the 21st century. But Look Mum No Computer is fresh, unexpected, and the antithesis of the BBC’s usual inclination towards the safe option.
And, if nothing else, we’ll surely not end up with nil points. You’d hope the Germans would at least offer us one.
“Eins, Zwei, Drei” is streaming now.
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