From eels up your bum to brain-eating lesbians: The top 15 weirdest stories of 2017
It’s been a ridiculous, brain-scrambling year.
At times, it feels like we’ve all entered a parallel universe where anything is possible.
This can be good in some cases.
After all, Moonlight won the Oscar for Best Picture, countries including Australia, Germany and Austria legalised same-sex marriage, there are more LGBT characters on TV than ever before, and it’s currently more than half a year since any of them died.
But on the flip side, Donald Trump is President, it’s still illegal to be gay in dozens and dozens of countries, and more trans people have been killed in the US than ever before.
There are some stories which have captured this collective descent into weirdness better than any others.
So, starting at the beginning of the year in a futile effort to bring some order to the ensuing chaos, here’s the run-down.
It’s pretty appropriate that this list starts with Trump, the man responsible for many of the strange and terrible events which plagued this year.
It all began with his January 20 inauguration speech, which made its way onto adult entertainment website PornHub.
The video came with an appropriate caption.
“Rich white man f***s the entire country at once,” it said.
In Texas, Democratic representative Jessica Farrar had an ingenious idea: protest for women’s rights by hitting men right where it hurt.
So she introduced a bill which proposed fining men $100 for masturbating – unless they did it in an approved medical facility.
The tongue-in-cheek bill had a very serious point, namely that men impose ridiculous restrictions on women’s bodies.
Farrar made this clear, saying: “What’s not funny are the obstacles that Texas women face every day, that were placed there by legislatures making it very difficult for them to access healthcare.”
Farrar faces stiff competition for weirdest protest of the year, however, with Spanish artist Abel Azcona putting his butt on the line for the prize.
In front of an engrossed audience at the Defibrillator Gallery in Chicago, Azcona crouched over and emerged two “very painful” hours later with “Make America Great Again” permanently tattooed around his anus.
He told PinkNews: “The anus is a land of pleasure and a terrarium of empowerment for many. And we will not shut up.
“Every time I s*** or someone penetrates me, I will pass on that racist and homophobic phrase.”
In April, an American woman was arrested after having sex with multiple dogs.
So naturally, pollsters asked the British public what they thought of sex with animals.
And, as it turned out, voters of right-wing party UKIP – which has consistently expressed homophobic beliefs – were the least likely to oppose bestiality, and the most likely to think it should be legal.
2017 was a year of strange studies, and one of the weirdest was Rita Strakosha’s.
The scientist claimed that an unhealthy diet and stress could bring about homosexuality – and that avoiding ejaculating could turn you straight.
Because that’s how science works.
Vice President Mike Pence is weird. We know this.
In March, it was revealed that the homophobic former Governor of Indiana will not eat a meal with a woman other than his wife.
And then, in May, he got even weirder.
During a trip to Montana, he went on a horseback tour, subsequently tweeting out a picture of him stood next to a filly.
So far, so normal.
But it was the quote above the photo which got people talking – and grimacing.
“Outstanding afternoon,” he wrote. “‘I’ve often said there’s nothing better for the inside of a man than the outside of a horse.’ -Pres. Reagan”.
It may have been a President’s quote, but that was not how it was received.
There are strange studies, and then there are ones which make you question everything.
It was one of these which, in the late spring, left PinkNews readers baffled.
The self-published research stated that eating too many fatty foods can cause homosexuality or make you transgender.
It tied homosexuality to fats, sugars and alcohol, proceeding to claim that cutting them out of your diet could “prevent the return of homosexual attractions”.
One of the best parts of 2017 was the trend of horrifying monsters, excluded by society, becoming unlikely LGBT icons.
Thanks to a hilarious Netflix mix-up, the murderous fictional creature became a widespread meme – and then a fixture at Pride parades.
The Babadook, who terrorises a mother and son in the 2014 Australian-Canadian psychological horror film of the same name, was outed by Netflix earlier this year.
I don’t know about you, but I’m still feeling Babashook.
A petition was launched this summer to boycott Raspberry Pi computers – because its makers apparently promote a “gay agenda”.
The Raspberry Pi Foundation has made massive strides in getting young people into computer coding, but apparently has been “using its product to promote Gay/Lesbian/Transgender agenda even to minors.
“I do not believe it is appropriate to use an educational product as a vehicle to promote Gay, Lesbian, and Transgender causes to our children,” the petition added.
If you thought that was weird, things got even weirder when September came round.
A German former gay-for-pay porn star was charged with treason after leaking classified information in extremist online chat rooms.
Yes, you heard that right. Yes, all of it.
In a case which showed that truth really is stranger than fiction, a 52-year-old former security agent was put on trial after allegedly discussing sensitive information involving terror investigations in a terrorist chat room.
And investigators discovered the man’s adult film career after his arrest, finding multiple videos of his performance under the alias “Roque M.”
If you made this kind of stuff up, it would be deemed way too far-fetched. But that’s 2017 for you.
Just in the last few weeks, we have heard about how same-sex marriage will lead to people marrying trees or even a father marrying his two daughters.
But what about simple tolerance for transgender people?
Well, Christian parents Nigel and Sally Rowe cleared that up for all of us when they appeared on live TV to reveal that trans tolerance could turn your child into – that’s right – an animal.
You could wake up one day, and boom. Your kid’s a literal giraffe. Or, if you’re Piers Morgan, an elephant.
Speaking on ITV’s This Morning, the Rowes – who withdrew their kids from school and threatened legal action after another student was allowed to wear a dress – raised the spectre of “species dysphoria.”
They asked: “Do we allow children to then come in [as animals] because they believe they’re an animal?”
These are the questions we struggle with as we lay awake at night.
Hurricane Irma killed more than 130 people and destroyed more than $66 billion of property.
And, apparently, it was LGBT people’s fault.
The Benham brothers, religious twins who have more than 120,000 fans on Facebook, claimed that the natural disaster was actually the Lord’s way of punishing LGBT people for “breaching the boundaries of God”.
The disgraced former TV hosts’ video has been viewed nearly 200,000 times.
Sometimes weird is funny – and sometimes it’s just disturbing.
The first gay Mayor of Hell followed that feat up by creating a Bible…but gayer.
After comedian Elijah Daniel got himself appointed Mayor of Hell, Michigan, he proceeded to ban heterosexual people, and was quickly impeached.
For his next trick, he spent 48 hours writing “The Holy Bible…But Gayer”.
His interpretation of the Holy Book included a lot more Rihanna, and many more palatable sentiments.
It quickly hit Number 1 in Amazon’s Christian eBooks & Bibles section – but was then suddenly taken off the site.
Clearly, there were not enough true believers out there.
It turns out that as well as getting your bum tattooed, you can also get things stuck up there.
But if you’re wondering how a person might get an eel stuck up his rear end – keep wondering.
The man, who was in his 40s, would not tell doctors in China the events which led up to the eel finding itself a new, terrifying home in his anus.
So we’ll leave that wonderful thought experiment up to you.
There are many things you might expect to see at a conference on ‘Countering the LGBT Agenda’ – evangelical shock jocks, a sermon from Vice President Mike Pence, and a man in the back row secretly checking Grindr.
But this definitely wasn’t up there.
MassResistance, a group which aggressively lobbies against gay equality in the US, opened its annual conference in Texas last month, and they did it in faaaaabulous style.
Opening the event, the group’s chairman handed over to a dancer who appeared waving two multi-coloured flags.
He proceeded to do an interpretative dance with the flags – and it lasted for five full, hypnotic minutes.
It’s possible that we – and therefore the year – have saved the best until last.
InfoWars host Alex Jones announced to his avid audience that he was very, very worried about liberal brain-eating lesbians.
The internet’s favourite fringe conspiracy theorist, who has ties to Trump advisers despite his bizarre beliefs, went on a vile anti-lesbian rant on his InfoWars show.
In the segment, he again claimed that butch lesbians were predisposed to domestic violence, and added that they also love eating brains.
Happy end of 2017, everyone.
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