How to be a top: A gay sex guide to penetrating your partner

“But if baby you’re the bottom, I’m the top!” So goes the old song lyric. But Cole Porter probably wasn’t talking about anal. We are. Find out how to be a better fucker with our guide to the active sexual role.

Before we get stuck into sticking it in, we always support and suggest safer sex. Read our guide to PrEP and use condoms.

We doubt we need to specify this, but for any curious readers who aren’t aware, a ‘top’ or ‘catcher’ (versus a ‘pitcher,’ or a bottom) is the term for the sexual partner that does the penetration.

The f**king, the putting the penis in the anus, the cock in the ass. We’re glad that’s clear.

Is being a top a choice or is it biology?

A 2017 study by University of Toronto Mississauga found that guys who demonstrated more masculine personality traits were likely to be tops, while those with more feminine traits were often bottoms.

Interesting study, but it’s really not that simple.

Stereotypical tops

The most common stereotype for a top is a man who is very masculine, with a big dick and an athletic build.

As I’m sure you’re aware, stereotypes are a really unhelpful way of trying to understand something, so keep reading for a more authentic breakdown.

Anyone can be a top

Yeah, lots of tops are masculine, beefy guys. But lots of tops are tiny twinks or super-camp, fabulous bears too.

There is no rule that says a certain type of guy should be a top or a bottom. Hey, why not be both and be versatile?

F**king ass can be an awesome experience, but if you’re only top because you’re nervous or confused about the role of a bottom, check out our guide to being a bottom.

Being a top comes with a lot of responsibility

When a bottom guy gives you his ass, he’s assuming you’re going to look after it. Don’t just shove your cock in as if he’s a fleshlight (unless that’s what he likes and you’ve already talked about it).

It can really hurt when a top just sticks his cock in. That’s the kind of behaviour that can put a guy off from getting f**ked for a long time, so, be incredibly gentle at first and work slowly together.

Talk to your guy and ask him for permission as you’re going in. Inch by inch, cm by cm, if necessary.

Once you’re all the way in, give him a minute to adjust, and only start thrusting in and out after he’s given you the green light. 

What sexual positions are led by a top?

Being as top is sometimes called the ‘active’ role, because you’re the one doing most of the activity.

From gay missionary to doggie, you’ll need to lead the way and know what you’re doing. Luckily we’ve got a guide to gay sex positions right here.

It’s not all about you

Being a good top ultimately means pleasuring your partner.

Anal sex is pleasurable for the guy f**king, because of the tightness and warmth of the man’s ass (duh).

It feels great for the man in the bottom role when his prostate is being stimulated – this can lead to intense, awesome orgasms, sometimes without even touching the penis.

First, start with some foreplay

Preparing your guys’ ass with lots of oral can be a great way to show your desire and dedication to f**king it.

Maybe you both love this already, but if it’s new to you, here’s our guide to anilingus, with everything you wanted to know about rimming.

Stimulate his prostate

The prostate is the walnut-shaped gland between the penis and the bladder. It’s where the fabled male “G spot” is.

It’s a gland full of nerve-endings that swells when a man is aroused. It’s about 2 to 4 inches inside, towards your belly.

It might be an idea to find your own first, so that you’ve got an idea where his is before you start poking around like you’re at an anal jumble sale.

Get to the prostate with a finger (or two), but make sure your nails are trimmed first as the lining of the ass is easily ripped by sharp fingernails.

Once you’re in, press up. Some guys might need a harder press than others before they start feeling it, but once it’s “woken up,” your bottom will be in a much better place to start getting f**ked.

Dominance and submission

Tops are dominant and bottoms are submissive, right? Wrong – that’s just another stereotype.

If you’re pushing a guy around in a dominant way just because your cock is in them, you’re being a dick.

Dom/Sub play can be awesome – if that’s what you’re into – but don’t assume your lover wants to be dominated because he wants to get f**ked.

If you’re not naturally dominant, and lots of tops are not – you’ll just end up being awkward, and awkward sex is a massive turn off for everyone.

Talk about the kind of anal sex you like to have as a Top, and ask your guy what kind of anal sex he likes to have. But please, don’t just write “What RU in2 m8” on an app, this is an intimate conversation which needs to be taken seriously.

You’re allowed to have a rest

Being a top can be hard work!

If you’re doing it for more than 5 or 10 minutes, it’s a damn good workout, for your muscles and in terms of cardio.

You’re allowed to rest, to catch your breath or to stretch some muscles and/or change position. Just tell your guy you need a break.

Keep him turned on with kissing, touching and other body contact. You’re not expected to pump away like a porn star or rabbit for hours.