Trixie Mattel recalls crying on stage amid relationship breakdown: ‘I never experienced such profound loss’

Drag superstar Trixie Mattel has opened up about the impact of the breakdown of her long-term relationship with filmmaker David Silver. 

During a conversation with British pop star Paloma Faith on her podcast Mad, Sad and Bad with Paloma Faith, the 35-year-old RuPaul’s Drag Race winner said that there were times when she “couldn’t even get [her] makeup on” because she was crying so much.

She spoke about how she tried to push through with touring and playing shows, but for “so long” the experience felt like “an idling panic attack” waiting to happen.

Asked by Faith whether she had ever felt like she was going insane, Trixie responded: “Oh yes. I went through a separation. It was with somebody that I had done television with. We were on TV together, we opened a motel together.”

Trixie Mattel and David Silver opened a joint business venture, Trixie Motel, and appeared on the subsequent Discovery+ docuseries Trixie Motel together.

“Because of the way TV works, we had filmed a whole season of television about us and our home but we had since separated. One of the craziest I’d ever felt was that being on TV but that relationship not being in place anymore. It was like your secret that that relationship wasn’t happening anymore.”

Trixie said that since her Drag Race days, she had gotten used to being “100 per cent honest” with her fans, and wasn’t used to keeping such a huge part of her life quiet.

“That was very dissonant. That was really hard for me to operate from a place of the audience not knowing something,” she shared.

Faith then questioned Trixie on whether she had struggled to continue performing while her personal life was going through such upheaval.

“Oh yes, there were times in the last few years where I couldn’t even get my makeup on. I would cry during the makeup, on stage between songs, during costume changes, walk off stage and cry.

“It was like an idling panic attack for so long. I would wake up heart racing and just try to calm down so I could get in drag. Those types of episodes when they’re long they start so gradually, one piece at a time, now I look back and I’m like, that’s so unmanageable and crazy.”

She continued: “My priorities were different. It took a big break to realise performing is magical, art is magical, but it’s not everything. It’s really crazy to shut down parts of your real self and turn up the other parts of yourself. That can be very dissonant.”

Last summer, Trixie took a several months-long break from performing and publishing content on her YouTube and social media channels. 

In December, several weeks after she returned to posting content, she announced that she and Silver had separated “quite some time ago” after seven years together.

She is currently on another social media break, which is expected to last until the end of August.

Faith asked whether her split from Silver was the “saddest” period she had gone through in life.

“I just never experienced such profound loss because so much of that was public it felt so embarrassing. I felt like I was on television telling a story that felt dishonest in a way. I never felt really dishonest with the audience before. It made me feel ashamed,” she confessed. “Oh my God, I was a mess.”

Trixie added that, while she used to feel comfortable sharing all facets of her life with her audience, she had learnt that “it’s OK to have some bumpers about what you will and won’t share”.

“When things are all really good it’s fun to have everyone know what’s happening in your life. When things aren’t going great… it feels kind of unfair to go, ‘Never mind! Don’t look, even though I’ve been telling you for years to pay attention to every part of my life! Something unflattering is happening, don’t look at me!”

As a result, she said she would be keeping some parts of her private life just that: private.

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