45 thoughts I had watching Drag Race All Stars 8, episode 1: ‘These girls are going to get messy’

An assembled cast of fan faves, early leavers, runners-up and drag clowns re-enter the werk room to play Drag Race All Stars 8 – and the mysterious Fame Games…

Another series of RuPaul’s Drag Race means another round of twinks on the internet giving their opinions, and I’m here to make it clear: I am one of those twinks.

When the All Stars 8 cast was announced, there were more than a few raised eyebrows, which is strange, because it’s not like gay men to be judgmental.

Obvious choices such as season 13 runner-up Kandy Muse, season 12 fan favourite Heidi N Closet and season nine’s queen of delusion Alexis Michelle were all of a sudden married with two 14th-place queens, Canadian drag clown Jimbo and a few other contestants who – I’ll be honest – I’ve not thought about for a hot minute.

However, that is exactly what will make this season of All Stars so spectacular. A lot of these girls have less to lose than regular All Stars contestants (no shade), and will therefore be giving us gag-worthy runways, sickening challenge performances and enough shade to block out the werk room lights.

And – as episode one proves – that hypothesis is thus far entirely correct. We’re just 60 minutes into the season and we’ve had girl groups, alliances, a phenomenal lip sync and a heartbreaking elimination. And all for free.

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Here are 45 thoughts I had watching Drag Race All Stars 8, episode one.

  • All Stars 8 kicks off with RuPaul as an omnipresent dictator appearing on screens around the world talking about “big fat juicy a**”, which is probably only about 15 years away from being a reality.
  • Ladies and gentlemen: Heidi N Closet. I love, love, love this queen – top three for sure. And that teeth gap bag is so stupid.
  • Mrs Kasha Davis has left the hubby at home. This is what I meant with the cast: I wouldn’t have called Kasha, but so happy she’s back. The hair is giving me a migraine though.
  • Eliminaysha Lopez is next. Hate the outfit, love the hair, glad to see her, think she’ll go home first.
  • Now, we have to talk about this next queen, who is allegedly Kahanna Montrese. I say allegedly because there’s zero chance that this is the same person who walked into season 11. New everything, who dis?
  • Kandy Muse – love her or hate her, she’s gonna bring us fantastique TV and I can’t wait. Don’t appreciate the Elliott with two T’s jump scare in the VT, though.
  • The founding member of the BenDeLaCreme hit squad (Darienne Lake) is here and, my word, she looks phenomenal.
  • Another real left-field choice is Monica Beverly Hillz – a trans trailblazer. Jaymes Mansfield is also here.
  • The girls who get Alexis Michelle just get her. And when I say her, I mean the specific, comically perfect brand of absolute delusion she brought with her to season nine.
  • I can’t wait to see more Jessica Wild. I love that drink.
  • Jimbo! Canada! Big boobs! What the hell, if I was one of the other girls I’d be stressed because Ru loves Jimbo.
  • Lala Ri’s entrance look is bugging me out, in that she looks like a bug.
  • Jessica telling Naysha this season’s twist is that Naysha is there, is comedy.
  • Miss Paul enters the werk room to tell the girls that there are two ways to win and they’re gagged. It doesn’t have quite the same effect on us, because we already know it’s a fan vote, which I’m still torn about because if there’s one thing Drag Race doesn’t need, it’s the incentive for fans to turn on one another.
  • “I hope it’s bare knuckle boxing” – Jaymes is funny.
  • First mini-challenge runway category Is: Famous Then. The girls are giving old-Hollywood glamour and they all look absolutely sickening. Monica giving Cleopatra… OK.
  • “My drag has evolved from ‘poverty chic’ to ‘ignorant with a touch of restraint’.” Heidi, I love you.
  • Jimbo’s Marilyn look is insane. This could be a winning main runway.
  • Second category is Famous Now, and I am peeing at Alexis Michelle’s Kim K/Dementor chic. That could be anyone. That might be Alisa Summers, for all we know.
  • Alexis Michelle immediately gets into producer mode by shoe-horning an early storyline in that she fancies Lala. Good for her.
  • The girlies are told their maxi-challenge is a girl group, performing two different versions of “Money, Success, Fame, Glamour”, written and performed by The Pop Tarts, who happen to be Randy Barbato and Fenton Bailey, World of Wonder execs.
  • Kandy is the most dangerous when she’s quiet, because that’s when she’s about to burst. And burst she does… at Heidi. It hath begun.
  • Whichever producer had the idea of putting both groups in the same rehearsal room… give them a raise. The shade coming from whichever half of the cast is watching the other rehearse is knee deep.
  • I’ve watched so many episodes of Drag Race that I now know exactly what signals editing gives to set up a girl to fail. I’m not going to name any names, Monica.
  • Kandy and Jimbo forming an alliance already. TV gold!
  • These girls are going to get messy. I’m talking Naomi x Manila. Blu x Pangina. BenDeLaCreme. I can’t wait.
  • The wickedly talented Adele Dazeem as a guest judge.
  • The Fame Tarts – Heidi, Kandy, Darienne, Kahanna, Alexis and Naysha – are first and Alexis is talking about Broadway again.
  • This choreo is giving slight Kidz Bop realness.
  • Heidi is eating, but what’s new? So is Kahanna. Oh my God, she’s sickening – I didn’t see that coming.
  • The Glitter Chicks are next and it’s giving flop, I’m sorry to say.
  • Monica looks lost. And like she doesn’t realise she’s performing?
  • Runway time (Famous Forever: lots of fame motifs this season) and Alexis Michelle giving Jessica Rabbit looks unreal.
  • Michelle Visage has gone blond. Joking, it’s Darienne Lake.
  • God, all these girls look so good. Heidi has stepped her p***y up, big time.
  • Kandya, that is a plastic corset, I’m sorry to say.
  • So, does Jimbo have a limitless budget, then? That runway look probably costs more than my annual rent.
  • Kahanna Montrese wins the challenge. Not bad for a b*tch who went home second on her season.
  • Darienne and Monica are the bottom two. It’s always tough on an All Stars, because they both have so much to prove, but I have a vague idea who’s going.
  • The girlies are giving political slay and getting their vote on. Alexis is so dramatic, Kandy wants to pick both lipsticks. It’s great telly.
  • Aja is the lip-sync assassin and it’s so cute that Kandy (her drag daughter) is so happy to see her.
  • Aja’s wig reveal is so funny, having exactly the same unit underneath the first one. And to Beyoncé. Kahanna is munching too. It’s all too much.
  • Aja wins, so it goes to the group vote. Everyone, get your p***ies ready, but before that Ru reveals the Fame Games twist: a second winner will snatch $50,000, based on a fan vote of the eliminated runway queens. It’s not AS6 levels of gag, but it’s fun.
  • Monica Beverly Hillz gets the chop and it’s so sad.
  • Phenomenal episode. Thank you all for joining me on this journey back into my thoughts. Episode two incoming.

All Stars 8, episode 1 is available to stream now on WOW Presents Plus.