Eurovision 2018: The weirdest lyrics in the history of the song contest

Eurovision captivates millions worldwide every year with its surreal performances, bizarre theatrics and fantastically gaudy fashions.

Whether it’s a piano on fire, men in giant hamster wheels or a group of all singing, all dancing Russian grandmothers, there have been too many memorable moments to recall.

And with most songs performed in English, there have been plenty of dubious, lost-in-translation lyrics.

With this year’s festivities taking place on Saturday, here are some of the best – and weirdest – lyrics in the history of the competition.

Scooch: “Flying the Flag” (United Kingdom, 2007)

“Would you like something to suck on for landing, sir?”

Unfortunately, the UK’s 2007 entry only just got off the ground with a meagre 19 points, coming in joint 22nd place with France.

Teach-In: “Ding-a-Dong” (Netherlands, 1975)

“And you walk along with your ding-dang-dong.”

Not only did the Dutch band Teach-In win the competition, but the song reached No. 1 in both the Swiss and Norwegian singles charts.

Finland’s Lordi celebrate after winning the 51st Eurovision in 2006 (ARIS MESSINIS/AFP/Getty)

Lordi: “Hard Rock Hallelujah” (Finland, 2007)

“It’s the Arockalypse… On the Day of Rockoning.”

The Finnish rockers not only won the contest, but now have a square named after them in the lead singer’s hometown of Rovaniemi, Finland.

Buranovskiye Babushki: “Party for Everybody” (Russia, 2012)

“The cat is happy, the dog is happy, the cat is happy, the dog is happy, we are in a wonderful mood and very happy, we are in a wonderful mood, oh joy.”

The Russian grannies travelled from a remote village more than 800 miles east of Moscow to Azerbaijan for the song contest, but narrowly lost out on the top spot to Sweden’s Loreen.

Trackshittaz: “Woki mit deim Popo” (Austria, 2012)

“Your bum has feelings, your bum is part of you, don’t put it on chairs, your bum has an opinion, yeah.”

Austria’s hip hop duo Trackshittaz were selected to represent the country in the first semi-final of the contest, but did not qualify for the final. Nonetheless, they still managed to reach No. 2 in the Austrian singles chart.

Russia’s “Buranovskiye Babushki” perform at the Eurovision 2012 song contest (VYACHESLAV OSELEDKO/AFP/Getty)

Schmetterlinge: “Boom Boom Boomerang” (Austria, 1977)

“Boom Boom boomerang up in the sky, kangaroo, boogaloo, go out and buy, Ding dong, sing the song, hear the guitar cry, Kojak, hijack, don’t ask why.”

Another entry from Austria, the nonsensical song only received 11 points.

Nova: “You’re Summer” (Sweden, 1973)

“Oh your breasts are like swallows a-nestling.”

The song was apparently a comparison between a lover and the summer and that line was written by the writer Lars Forssell, a member of the Swedish Academy.

Rambo Amadeus: “Euro Neuro” (Montenegro, 2012)

“I only got one rule / Always stay cool like a swimming pool.”

Unfortunately, the song – a satire about Europe and the European Union – failed to make the final.

Donatan & Cleo represent Poland during the Eurovision Song Contest 2014 (JONATHAN NACKSTRAND/AFP/Getty)

Dustin the Turkey: “Irlande Douze Points” (Ireland, 2008)

“Drag acts and bad acts and Terry Wogan’s wig / Mad acts and sad acts, it was Johnny Logan’s gig / Block votes! Shock votes! Give us your 12 today / Yes it’s Bulgaria we love you Belarus, Georgia, Montenegro, Moldova, Albania, Croatia, Poland, Russia, Ukraine, Macedonia, don’t forget Turkey, Hungary, Estonia, Slovakia, Armenia, Bosnia & Herzegovina, and don’t forget the Swiss….. Cheese.”

A parody song by a puppet, Ireland’s entry also failed to make the final.

Donatan & Cleo: “My Słowianie – We Are Slavic” (Poland, 2014)

“Vodka is better than whisky or gin.”

You would be forgiven for not paying attention to the lyrics during this performance, described by one person on the jury panel as “soft porn.”