Reneé Rapp admits she used to be ‘freaked out’ by her sexuality: ‘I was beating myself up’

Reneé Rapp has revealed that she experienced ‘constant panic’ while filming season one of Sex Lives of College Girls because of her sexuality.

The actor plays lesbian character Leighton in Mindy Kaling’s hit HBO series about the lives of four college friends tackling love, loss, friendship and major life choices.

Although Rapp now proudly identifies as “bisexual”, the journey to accepting her sexuality hasn’t been an easy one, as she recently told the Call Her Daddy podcast.

Speaking to host Alex Cooper on the 28 February episode, Rapp opened up about the “terrible” experience filming the first season.

Growing up in what she described as the “super a**-backwards and very conservative” area of Huntersville in North Carolina, she recalled “everyone was super f**ked and homophobic. It just sucked.”

From the age of 14, Rapp had a difficult time accepting her sexuality, and remembered “full blown crying” and having a “panic attack” after realising she liked women.

Sadly, those formative insecurities stuck around; and despite her excitement at joining the HBO series, she admitted she was completely “freaked out” on set.

“[It affected my self-worth] horribly,” she continued. “The first year of College Girls was terrible.

“It sucked so bad because at the time I was in a heteronormative relationship and I hated going to work because I would be like, ‘I don’t think I’m good enough to be here, I don’t think I can be doing this, maybe I’m just trying too hard’, and I would come home and psych myself out. 

“I will never forget I sat on my front porch and called one of my friends and I was like ‘I’m straight, I think I’m straight. I can’t do this, I can’t do this’ and they were like ‘what the f**k is going on with you?’

“And I was like ‘I don’t know but I can’t’. I was just in a panic constantly. I wasn’t [straight] but I was so freaked out by the idea of my sexuality not being finite or people laughing at me or me laughing at myself that I hated my first year of filming.”

Rapp also explained that her imposter syndrome was compounded by intrusive questioning on set. “I’m doing these scenes and also having gay men came up to me and be like ‘are you really gay’,” she recalled.

“It really f**king p***ed me off and made me just second guess everything about myself. I was beating myself up so much. It was so crazy.”

It’s not the first time Reneé Rapp has opened up about her experiences navigating the TV industry as a queer woman.

Back in December, she told People: “I was really afraid for the show to come out because I felt very judged, and I didn’t feel comfortable”.

These days, however, the actress has experienced personal growth, especially in the lead up to the second season.

“I actually was very excited for the second season to come out, because I felt much more comfortable to not be terrified to hear something either homophobic or slut-shaming, or things like that,” she added.

The second season saw a dramatic turn in Leighton’s love life after she dumped her snobby high society girlfriend Tatum to get back with her down-to-earth ex, Alicia.

And Rapp is not the only actor whose character has had an impact on them beyond the screen. Speaking to PinkNews, Amrit Kaur explained why her sex-positive Asian character Bela meant so much.

“She’s one of the few roles where we see a South Asian American in Hollywood be sexual. It’s empowering for those who see themselves in that light to be seen on the screen.

“And beyond that, on a universal level, she’s a woman who’s ambitious, forward thinking, not obsessed with labels, she’s not obsessed with gender norms.”

Sex Lives of College Girls season one and tow are available to stream on HBO Max and Sky Atlantic.