Meet the (mostly straight) men’s support group proving their allyship this Pride

At this year’s Pride in London, a group of mostly straight men will march to show their support for the community and their GBT members.

The Shoulder to Shoulder (S2S) men’s community, founded by Tom Stroud and Dan Shrigley, came together to fight loneliness among London men, with thousands of members across the city from a range of backgrounds – including sexuality and gender identity. This year, they’ve been accepted to march at Pride in London.

Speaking to PinkNews, Stroud says: “It started with a realisation Dan and I had: why is it so hard for men to make friends as adults? Why does it feel weird asking another guy out for a coffee?”

He explains that both of their dads struggled with it, “because nobody had ever shown them a different way”.

“We watched them carry that burden, and we could see the cost of it,” he says. “We didn’t want to become that. We didn’t want the men around us to become that either.”

The group started on WhatsApp, before they set up a regular walk where men could connect with each other.

“‘Getting on with it’ isn’t working”

“Over time, something happened that we didn’t expect,” Stroud says. “Men started showing up in their hundreds, because they were desperate for connection and the feeling of belonging to something bigger than themselves.”

Stroud adds: “The isolation problem is real and it’s everywhere. Men are lonelier than ever, and the world isn’t really set up to help them do anything about it. Nobody teaches you how to make deep friendships after your twenties. Nobody tells you it’s okay to need people. You’re just supposed to get on with it.”

However, he says: “‘Getting on with it’ isn’t working.”

The group now has around 2,000 members, with 25 to 30 events each month, allowing men to form new friendships.

This isn’t a group of men who idolise the likes of Andrew Tate or HSTikkyTokky, two key (and highly controversial) figures in the so-called “manosphere“, who spout misogynistic, homophobic and other offensive ideas.

But Stroud admits S2S isn’t trying to combat the “manosphere” – because that “isn’t ever going to work”.

He tells us: “What figures like Andrew Tate understand, even if they use it in the worst possible way, is that men are lonely, they feel purposeless, and nobody is talking to them directly about it. That problem isn’t wrong. The solution is catastrophically wrong.

“Telling men that vulnerability is weakness, that women are the enemy, that dominance is the answer – that doesn’t fix anything. It just makes the loneliness worse and gives it somewhere to point.

“What we do instead is offer something those spaces never actually deliver. Real friendship. Real belonging. An environment where you can drop the mask and just be a person.

“Men don’t radicalise into the ‘manosphere’ because they’re bad people. They radicalise because they’re isolated and someone offered them a solution. We’re offering a better one.”

Unlike the “manosphere”, S2S welcome gay and trans men with open arms, despite being made up predominantly of straight men. And it’s because of that that they will be marching at Pride in London.

Stroud says: “If we’re serious about helping men, we can’t just talk about connection, growth, authenticity to men that look like our founders, or the majority of our members.”

“Healthy male friendships aren’t reliant on sexual identity”

He adds: “It’s about showing up for all men, being aware of men whose experiences of the world are very different to our own. So many of the struggles we talk about in the group – loneliness, shame, emotional suppression – are amplified for men who’ve grown up feeling like they don’t fit the traditional mould of masculinity. The London LGBT+ community as a whole faces a lot of challenges such as being chronically online, dating app culture and the transient nature of the city which create isolation and impact mental health.

“S2S marching in Pride is about recognising that helping men become more open, more connected, more emotionally honest has to include every type of man. And if the values we’ve created as a group are really going to resonate, they have to work for everyone, regardless of background, ethnicity, religious belief or sexual orientation.

“By taking part in the Parade, we hope to show the rest of London who we are, our values and our diversity – and demonstrate healthy male friendships which aren’t reliant on sexual identity.”

The group has more than 100 members who are gay, bisexual or trans, who are finding some “incredible friendships” formed in S2S.

Stavros Gkavalias, who is leading the charge for S2S at Pride in London, tells us: “We’d like to think GBT+ men feel safe, welcome and are creating beautiful friendships within the group. The testimonials by our members speak volumes of the type of environment Shoulder to Shoulder has provided them.”

One member, Jonathan, says: “It’s been good for me to be part of S2S. I’ve been so used to feeling on the outside of things as a gay man, and that’s probably one of the reasons I joined. It’s given me a good chance to be around other men and has made me feel less alone being with like-minded guys. I’ve also been pleasantly surprised by how supportive some of the straight men have been – it’s nice to feel that allies are not a myth.”

The group recently welcomed their first trans member, Orlando, “who has been embraced by the community”.

Stroud tells us: “There have been no issues among members, but it is also a great opportunity to educate straight men about men who use different pronouns or might not abide by their definition of a man. Growth and respect are both key values for the community.

“It’s important to acknowledge that for a lot of our men, this will be the first time they’ve interacted with a trans man, but the whole point of the community is to allow men to connect with other men and learn and grow with each other.”

S2S aren’t just using Pride in London as a quick and easy way to show they’re inclusive, either.

Gkavalias tells us: “In June we are celebrating Pride Month with a series of GBT-themed events open to the entire community. It is a chance for GBT men to come together and celebrate, and our straight allies to support us and learn. 

“We plan a Queer History of London Walking Tour, a visit to the gay penguins at London Zoo, a visit to the LGBT+ community centre, Gay’s the Word bookshop and the National LGBT+ Museum. All of course culminating with us marching at London Pride.”

Stroud adds: “We have a longer-term advocacy strategy which is being worked on at the moment, where the whole community is asked to submit causes and themes which we’d like to advocate for, as a community, on a quarterly basis.”

You can find out more by visiting shoulder.mn.co