‘I came out as trans at 45 – this is what Pride means to me’

After years of pushing down how she truly felt, Chloe Kelly came out as trans aged 45. Writing for PinkNews, she explains how that shame turned into pride…

What does Pride mean to me? That’s kind of an exam essay question, isn’t it? But please bear with me, because I have thought about this a lot.

I didn’t really appreciate what Pride meant to me until I understood what a burden shame had been, and how much it had restricted and shaped my life.

You see, I’m transgender, and I think shame prevented me from realising and accepting I was trans until my mid forties, when I could no longer deny it to myself.

The reason I didn’t realise I was trans until the age of 45-and-a-half was because I wouldn’t allow myself to ask the question. I stopped cross dressing at 19 and refused to entertain the idea again.

Without shame and internalised transphobia, I’m sure I would have explored my gender freely in my teens and realised very quickly that living fully as a woman was as true to my core as it was possible to get.

Instead, shame meant I “manned up”. I locked this part of myself down so tightly that I would rather have died than let anyone find out that I had cross dressed, had an encyclopaedic knowledge of all things trans, and regularly daydreamed about living as a woman.

The thing with gender identity, though, is that you can’t lock it down forever. It seeps out. There’s the constant effort of trying to be someone you’re not in order to “fit in” and avoid shame, and no matter how hard you try to be content, you can’t be.

That’s why I smirk when people say we choose to be trans. We don’t. But many of us do spend years choosing to desperately try to not be.

When I finally realised and accepted I was trans, I felt enormous relief and then enormous fear. The fear was about how everyone else was going to react, and that fear was driven by shame.

I thought I would be humiliated and ostracised. Unloved and ridiculed. That I would become “other”, lesser, and that my life would effectively be over.

But do you know what happened? The more people I told, the lighter I felt. Until eventually this “dirty shameful secret” no longer had any power over me. And that really was a relief.

And the shame? People in my actual life, the decent ones and the ones who loved me, were shocked at first. But on the whole they were happy for me. They thought I was brave. Then within a week or so it was old news and no big deal.

Carrying that shame for so long taught me just how powerful it is to feel proud of who you truly are. Not hiding it, but embracing it.

‘I think pride beats shame every single time’

Truth be told, I still struggle sometimes. I don’t think you can live in denial for as long as I did and not carry scars from it. But I am proud of my community, proud of the brave trans people who came before me, and slowly I’m beginning to grow that pride in myself too.

Back in November 2024, pride pushed me to start sharing my images and story on Instagram. Naively, what I wasn’t expecting was the trolling. My Instagram is now over 10,000 followers, which is modest in influencer terms but big enough to attract backlash, especially when a post goes viral.

The trolling shocked me at first. I’ve had threats of violence, cruel comments about my appearance, questions about my mental health, endless “you’re still a man” comments, and the ever predictable suggestions that I should “check my prostate”.

What all of those comments have in common is that they are attempts to shame me and diminish my pride. But if there’s any shame to be had, I think it belongs to them. I mean, actively going out of your way to be horrible to complete strangers online is very strange behaviour, don’t you think? What are your hobbies? “I like golf, reading, and being nasty to people I’ve never met online.”

And while the hate can sometimes grind you down, I won’t accept their shame.

That’s why I post regularly. I want other trans people to see me and see that it’s normal to be trans. That we can be happy. That we deserve joy and should be proud of ourselves.

And the haters? They will continue trying to use shame to push us back into the dark. But I think pride beats shame every single time.

So shine on, all you beautiful trans folks, and be proud of how strong and beautiful you are.

Share your thoughts! Let us know in the comments below, and remember to keep the conversation respectful.