Stephen Colbert lampoons ‘heterosexual cake bakery’

Stephen Colbert perfectly lampooned the Supreme Court ruling in the anti-gay bakery case last night.

The court controversially ruled in favour of Jack Phillips of Masterpiece Cakeshop after he refused a wedding cake to a same-sex couple.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert lampooned the case by imagining an “all-hetero cakeshop.”

The Straight Cakes Bakery (The Late Show with Stephen Colbert)

The baker explains: “Thanks to the Supreme Court ruling there’s never been a better time to jump into the Hetero pastry industry, which is why I opened Straight Cakes, where we guarantee all our cakes are straight like the Bible intended.

“How do you know our cakes our straight? Because every single cake features a guy doing it to a lady.

“Anniversary cake? Guy doing it to a lady. Graduation cake? Guy doing it to a lady. Grandma’s birthday? Old guy doing it to an old lady.

“We also have cupcakes with little guys doing it to little ladies.

“So come on down to Straight Cakes, where our motto is, no cake leaves the shop unless I’m aroused by it.”

The Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS) had ruled in favour of Jack Phillips, a baker who was battling the Colorado Civil Rights Commission (CCRC) over his refusal to provide gay wedding cakes.

Phillips claimed that Jesus Christ would discriminate against gay people, and insists his religion requires discrimination against gay people.

The court ruled 7-2 in his favour – and though the narrow ruling shied away from setting out a wider case for the right to discriminate based on religion –  LGBT groups and allies have expressed fear about the potentially-harmful precedent.

The Colorado Civil Rights Commission (CCRC) had ordered him to “cease and desist from discriminating against same-sex couples by refusing to sell them wedding cakes or any product [they] would sell to heterosexual couples.”

The US Supreme Court today (June 4) issued a ruling overturning that order. The narrow opinion largely avoided setting a wider precedent of what discrimination is permissible in the name of religious freedom, though it did find that the actions of the CCRC were discriminatory.

Pro-LGBT law firm Lambda Legal lamented: “This 7-2 ruling, while limited, invites discrimination and further efforts to justify withholding service from LGBTQ people. This will encourage all sorts of mischief by well-funded anti-LGBTQ organizations who want to create exceptions to nondiscrimination laws.

An unsatisfied Straight Cakes Bakery customer (The Late Show with Stephen Colbert)


“We’re going to see years of needless, hurtful litigation by those seeking to evade responsibility for discriminating against members of our community.

“The Court today has turned its back on longstanding precedent and offered not just encouragement but a roadmap to those who would deny civil rights to LGBTQ people and people living with HIV.

“Religious freedom under our Constitution has always meant the right to believe whatever you wish. NOT to act on your beliefs in ways that harm others.

“SCOTUS has become an accomplice in the right’s strategy to hollow out one of its finest achievements, the right to equal marriage, and create what Justice Ginsberg memorably termed ‘skim milk marriages.’

“We are ready to fight back and make sure this heartbreaking and infuriating decision is understood for what it is: a narrow ruling limited to unique facts that cannot be used to justify discrimination in any other context.

“We will continue to fight in every arena and in every court until LGBTQ people and people living with HIV have full equality under the law in every aspect of our lives. We deserve no less.”