This mum is convinced her daughter’s boyfriend is gay because he’s ‘thoughtful and nurturing’


A mum has asked an agony aunt for advice, convinced her daughter’s boyfriend is gay because he cooks for her, buys her flowers and is generally “thoughtful and nurturing”.

The anonymous mother, who identifies herself as “trusting my gut”, wrote in to the relationship advice column in The Mercury News.

She explained that her daughter, Lauren, was in her early 30s had recently met someone online, and the pair had fallen for each other “instantly”.

The mother said: “She says she’s never met someone so thoughtful, and that he is unlike anyone she’s ever met before. He brings her flowers each week, cooks for her, makes lunch for her to take to work (with little notes inside), buys her little gifts.”

She said she “jokingly” told her daughter: “He’s so thoughtful and nurturing, he sounds like a woman – just like me!”

When Lauren arranged a meet-the-parents evening, instead of praising these generous qualities in her daughter’s partner, the mother came away with one thought: “I can’t help feeling he may not be totally heterosexual.”

“He seems like a nice enough person, but he exhibits more female or womanly characteristics and mannerisms, acting more like a girlfriend than a boyfriend,” she continued.

“He has recently changed his first name and has also removed all traces of social media online, so there are no pictures or other clues into his past relationships or life before meeting my daughter… [I] would never volunteer my suspicions to her unless she asked, but my intuition is rarely wrong.”

The agony aunt, Amy, put the mother in her place perfectly over her daughter’s “gay boyfriend”.

She responded: “You seem to think that ‘not totally heterosexual’ is a bad thing. Or that thoughtfulness and nurturing are exclusively female traits.

“I know many people who would very happily be with someone who wasn’t so locked into a specific sexual or gender identity.”

She explained that the mother’s “revelation” would be unlikely to shock her daughter, and she has probably “noticed the same lovely characteristics”.

While Amy admitted that his lack of online footprint could possibly be a “red flag”, she added: “Unless there is some sort of undue deception or manipulation involved, the sort of thoughtfulness and loving kindness he displays should be celebrated… She is an adult.

“She may be much more aware of gender subtleties and complications than you realise. She may be on her own gender journey.

“Regardless, this is the very definition of ‘mind your own business’.”