Love Actually – the straightest film ever made – expertly deconstructed as a ‘creepy nightmare’

Emma Thompson crying in Love Actually

Love Actually is a “f**king unceasing nightmare”, according to a viral Twitter thread.

Richard Curtis’ 2003 film is set at Christmas, and tells the stories of approximately 40,000 characters – all straight, and all interlinked in tenuous ways.

The only film ever to make our hearts break for a Karen (Emma Thompson’s character, done wrong by her trash husband Harry, Alan Rickman), the film really is a Marmite affair. You either love it or you hate it – and comedian George Fox is definitely in the latter camp.

He watched the modern-day Christmas classic on 21 December last year with his girlfriend, having never seen it before, and it’s fair to say he had some thoughts.

“My girlfriend made me watch the movie Love Actually for the first time ever last night and I would like to discuss what an absolute f**king unceasing nightmare every single scene in it is,” he tweeted, racking up more than 5,000 likes.

“WELCOME TO MY TED TALK,” he added, before launching into his truly epic takedown of the very, very straight festive classic.

He started off by tearing into Hugh Grant’s Love Actually character David, who is the prime minister of the UK.

“One of the main characters is your normal every day ACTUAL PRIME MINISTER OF BRITAIN,” Fox wrote. “And his storyline is he wants to do the tea lady at Number 10. He literally just moved in and wants to pork the help and it is never framed as anything but the upmost romance?! NO HUGH IT’S REALLY NOT!”

Next up for a roasting is Liam Neeson’s character (yes, every actor in the English-speaking world is in this film). Neeson plays Daniel in Love Actually, a man who is grieving his recently deceased wife and is left raising his stepson alone.

“In an early scene he breaks down crying and EMMA THOMPSON says ‘Get a grip, people hate sissies. No one’s ever gonna shag you if you cry all the time.’ This is THE DAY AFTER THE FUNERAL!?!” Fox tweeted.

Colin Firth’s character is lambasted next. “Oh hey did you find the Hugh Grant storyline creepy? Well guess what. They have a completely different character with the EXACT SAME STORYLINE except this time the hired help CAN’T SPEAK ENGLISH. WHAT F**KING NIGHTMARE IS THIS FILM!?!?”

Spoiler alert for those who haven’t seen Love Actually – the film ends with Firth’s character proposing to his cleaner that he has “never had a single conversation with”, as Fox artfully describes it.

“Actually he first asks her father who thinks he is selling his daughter into slavery and IS TOTALLY FINE WITH THAT. This is hell,” Fox tweeted.

Creepy storylines abound in straight Christmas classic Love Actually.

Fox then moves on to Alan Rickman’s character, Harry, and rightly points out that his secretary is “a f**king creep who should be fired on the spot” for her inappropriate behaviour in the workplace.

Instead, Rickman’s character buys her a necklace, which leads to Emma Thompson crying in her bedroom.

“Oh dear Emma Thompson stop crying no one will want to shag someone who cries all the time!” Fox joked.

Fox concludes his thread with that moment. You don’t know what that moment is? Well, it’s probably the creepiest part of the entire film, and it has not aged well.

It is the moment when Andrew Lincoln’s character Mark decides to finally profess his undying love for his best friend’s wife (Keira Knightley) by turning up at their door and confessing his feelings with a series of increasingly disturbing signs.

Fox branded the scene “the absolute WORST part of the movie”.

“Not only has this AWFUL scene been unjustly turned into some modern icon of grand romantic gesture, but I also just found out TONIGHT that Keira Knightley was only 17 when this was filmed. What. The. Absolute. F**k.”

Fox’s conclusion was simple and just: he wants the film banned, the negatives burned, and for copies to be buried in the ground.

We think that’s an entirely reasonable and fair solution to cutting this upsettingly straight film out of our lives, once and for all.