Comment: The real truth about bisexual people

Did you know that everything you’ve ever heard about bisexual people is true? All of it, every single thing.

Bisexual people don’t exist, and everyone is a little bit bisexual.

Lots of people say they’re bisexual but how can you really know? Unless they’re dating two people of different genders at the same time, you can’t ever be sure.

It’s not like you can just believe another person’s self identity. What if they’re wrong about their own sexuality? You probably know better than them and should tell them that.

Its always a good idea to ask someone what gender they prefer because then you can judge what their real sexuality is.

You can find out by asking them fun hypothetical questions like “There’s a hot guy and a hot girl at a bar, who do you go and talk to first?” and “Do you fancy Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie more?”

All bisexual people must fancy one gender more, because everyone else does so they have to as well. But if they do, it means they’re not really bisexual.

Real bisexual people must have a preference for one gender without having a preference for one gender. Easy.

Bisexual people will have to decide on just one gender to be attracted to, since everyone in the world ends up with just one person for the rest of their lives.

Teenagers and young people can’t know if they are bisexual because it’s probably just a phase. That means it’s not real and can be ignored until they make their minds up. Just like how it used to be with gay kids except not like that at all.

If someone is in a monogamous relationship and they say they’re bisexual, it’s a bit suspicious. Bisexual people are more likely to cheat on their partners because there’s more people they could cheat with and that’s just maths and you can’t argue with maths.

Most bisexual women are obviously secretly straight and just saying it for attention or to attract men.

Bisexual women all want a threesome with a man and a woman, even if they say they don’t, and also they really like it when men make jokes about threesomes immediately after they tell them.

Be suspicious of bisexual women in LGBT spaces who are dating men. They’re probably not really bisexual, and if they are then they appear straight and will never have any issues or problems related to their sexuality. Especially not from LGBT people who never discriminate against anyone, ever.

Lesbians and bisexual women can never date because bisexual women are more likely to cheat with a man, or date a man after breaking up and that’s worse than if it was a woman for some reason. I don’t know why, but a lesbian said that once so it must be true.

Bisexual men are secretly gay. Most bisexuals in general are actually attracted to men because men are better.

Once a man sleeps with a man or fancies a man or accidentally touches a man’s hand that makes him gay forever. Even if he does fancy women still, it doesn’t count because of being gay forever now.

There are less bisexual men than bisexual women because women are good at multitasking and men can’t deal with change.

“Bi now, gay later” is a common phrase which is a pun so it must be true. Gay men come out as bisexual first because it’s a neat stepping stone between straight and gay. It never happens the other way around.

Hopefully you are now better informed about the very true and very real facts about bisexual people. Or maybe it is clear how silly these assertions can seem…