Joe Lycett ‘leaks’ hilarious spoof Sue Gray report into Downing Street parties

Boris Johnson and Joe Lycett

Joe Lycett had followers in stitches with a spoof “Partygate” report that you would be forgiven for thinking came from Sue Gray herself.

Senior civil servant Sue Gray’s report on lockdown-breaking parties at Downing Street was expected to arrive this week. But news that the Metropolitan Police is now opening its own investigation appears to have delayed it, with some in Westminster now saying it won’t be published until Monday (31 January) at the earliest.

Comedian Joe Lycett came to the rescue of those who just couldn’t wait any longer, tweeting on Thursday (27 January): “BREAKING: Leaked Sue Gray report reveals shocking abuse of the rules. Hard to see how the PM can cling on after this.”

The “leaked report” said the investigation had found a “culture of COVID-19 regulation rule-breaking at Number 10 Downing Street”.

The report’s “main findings” were then listed, including that WhatsApp groups titled “Definitely A Meeting” and “Down It Street” had been “established to organise gatherings”.

The spoof report detailed incidents that took place at some of these “parties”, including a senior minister insisting that “all cabinet ministers get onto a table and perform ‘Pure and Simple’ by Hear’Say”, and that Carrie Johnson being heard saying: “It could be as few as four and as many as sixty kids”.

According to Lycett, someone who “worked closely” with Boris Johnson was said to have asked all party attendees to take COVID tests, after which they were “referred to as ‘Twateral Flow’ by advisors”.

For some Twitter users, all of this was entirely believable until they saw Gray’s email address listed at the bottom: [email protected].

Joe Lycett claims he had No 10 staff ‘running around panicking’

In an even more hilarious twist, Joe Lycett insisted that all of these events were also conceivable to those who work with Johnson.

A few hours after posting the “leaked report”, Lycett claimed that a source who works in parliament had contacted him, declaring: “I think you need to know.”

Lycett shared screenshots of the unverified messages, which read: “Your tweet this morning was read as an actual serious leak from Sue Gray’s report.

“You had MP staff literally running around panicking from what it said, panic dialling MPs like, ‘We need to discuss this right now. I can’t believe she used the phrase ‘Down It Street’.”

After several laughing emojis, the “source” told Lycett: “Absolute legendary work, well done.”

Perhaps the most worrying thing about the texts is that nobody’s quite sure whether Lycett made them up.

We’ll be waiting with bated breath to see if the actual Sue Gray report mentions “Down It Street” and “Twateral Flow” because, as Oscar Wilde said, life imitates art. Unless the art is redacted.