The Little Mermaid characters ranked by how much fun they’d be at a gay bar
A definitive ranking of the Little Mermaid character posters, based on how much fun they’d be at a gay bar (Disney/ Getty/ PinkNews)
The Little Mermaid character posters are here – so it’s time to rank our aquatic acquaintances based on nothing more than how much fun they’d be at a gay bar.
If you’ve somehow managed to miss the all-consuming, social-media trampling magic of a full-scale Disney marketing campaign, we’ll break it down for you; the live-action adaptation of The Little Mermaid is nearly here.
Starring Halle Bailey and Melissa McCarthy, the film is just under a month away, meaning new trailers and sneak peeks at the flick, what feels like every day.
Several new look character posters have also dropped, so it’s time to very scientifically rank them based on some very specific criteria: how much fun I think these characters would be in a gay bar.
7. Flounder (Jacob Tremblay)
I’m not going to mince my words here; this is an evil, evil little fish. What happened to the adorable animated Flounder, arguably the original twink of the Disney animated universe?!
This version of Flounder has died horrible, violent twink death – and subsequently would not be any fun in a gay bar. To be found loitering by the bar waiting for someone to offer him a drink and never pay them back. Offers nothing of any value for a night out.
Completely clueless, forgets his ID and then cries when everyone goes inside without him. The only club I want to see Flounder in is a club-sandwich. Fry him.
6. Scuttle (Awkwafina)
The only reason that Scuttle isn’t last on the list is because of the rancid Flounder. Otherwise, this gannet diving bird (originally a seagull) would be an absolute menace in the gay bar.
By menace, I mean that if you put your vodka lemonade down for a matter of seconds, it’s gone. It’s funny when your friends go mine-sweeping – it’s less funny when you have to buy your own drink three times because an actual gannet keeps nicking them.
Regardless, kind of a slay colour scheme, and the yellow eyeshadow eats a bit.
5. Sebastian (Daveed Diggs)
Listen, he’s just a cool little guy who wants to have some fun. He’s a bit nervous but he’s not going to make that your problem, and he deserves a shot of tequila for that!
Slightly unnerving face aside, Sebastian has the same energy as bringing your little brother to the gay bar for the first time – it’s hardly going to be the wildest night of your life, but you’ll have a giggle.
Also, he looks delicious if you get hungry for a snack on the way home – although crabs are never much fun.
4. Prince Eric (Jonah Hauer-King)
Prince Eric gives ‘I’m better than you” gay. Probably votes Republican, but likes to justify it by saying he’s “socially liberal and fiscally conservative”.
He would absolutely buy everyone drinks to make up for the fact that no one really likes him, which is sad, but also you get a free shot, so… swings and roundabouts. Would pick a fight in the smoking area because his daddy’s a lawyer.
I think there’s a good heart there, but I’m not going to see him rush to the dance floor when Beyoncé comes on, which is a red flag in itself.
3. Ariel (Halle Bailey)
Ariel is one of the girlies. She’s there for you, she gets the drinks in, she always looks sickening. She’s fun.
Seriously, from pre-drinks to afters, she is there for you and you know she’s first to ask for “Break My Soul” from the DJ. Whether she’s got a (little) mermaid tail or legs, she’s getting down on the dance floor and would tip the drag queens well. Class.
The only downside is that she might have a little cry about Prince Eric, because she saw him snogging Prince Charming, which is, admittedly, tough to take.
2. King Triton (Javier Bardem)
I will preface this placement with the fact that I may have gotten confused with my ‘People I Would Like To Meet in a Gay Bar’ list, because that is a daddy – some would say, the daddy.
King Triton is a good time. You’d trust him with your vodka soda and he’d probably buy you another one – he would also look after the younger gays in a distinctly non-creepy way. Although he’d be fun in any gay bar, I think you’d probably be more likely to find King T in FIRE than Freedom.
LOOK AT HIM. I need a swim.
1. Ursula (Melissa McCarthy)
Is anyone surprised that the mother of all drag queens has taken the top spot of The Little Mermaid character that would be the most fun in a gay bar? You shouldn’t be.
Not only would she be fun to attend a gay bar with, she’d be performing spoken word medleys onstage to rapturous applause and cash money raining down – and the party doesn’t stop when she finishes her set. Mama, you’re up until sunrise.
The beat face, the red lip, the up-do. She’s tearing that gay bar up and can drink you under the table.
Not sure about the eels, but no-one’s perfect.
The Little Mermaid opens on 25 May.
